To begin: I must try to explain the nature of my relationship with my “Significant other”. I call him my “SO” because, well, I don’t know what else to call him. “Person of which I have a deep, significant relationship with”? We do not say that we are dating, but everyone who sees us knows that we are a couple, a package. Some people bluntly call us “sex buddies”, but that simply isn’t accurate either. Granted, we do have a physical relationship, “sex buddies” implies that the relationship is completely centered around sex. He and I are more like… best friends who are okay crying, cuddling, kissing with each other.
I am pansexual, so the fact that he is a man does not bother me, even though I tend to prefer women. He considers himself “heteroflexible”, which by his definition means that while he strongly prefers women, he would be comfortable having a physical relationship with another man, be they cisgendered or transgendered. He feels awkward about discussing his sexual orientation further and he prefers to not look to much into it, just kinda go with the flow of what he wants. But every once in a while he does or says things that wonder just how “heteroflexible” he is.
This past weekend, we had a late New Years party. Yes, we were drinking, but nobody was permitted to drive and nobody even got drunk enough to get sick. It was a fun night. When my SO drinks, he tends to talk about things he would never mention sober, or just be completely open about things he feels.
This time, he was lecturing me about how when I go shopping I should get more mens clothing, get a hair cut, and not be scared of not being attractive to him because I look and act male. He said, “That’s who you are, I want you to be what you are. And you are a boy.” He told me about how he was going to buy a binder (tool used by ftm transgenders to flatten breasts) for me and told me he would still be attracted to me even if I had sexual reassignment surgery. Even later that night, I was performing certain adult acts upon him and he talked about how much he wished I had a penis.
Lately he has also been making comments regarding my being a guy at random. He’ll smile at me while he taps me on the nose and says, “boy!” and he’ll talk about my boobs and “getting those sum-bitches cut off”.
Not that I don’t love how much he accepts my being transgendered, I just can’t seem to figure out why he would be so accepting. I can’t wrap my mind around it! When he told me he wanted me to transition, I asked, “What’s it to you? What do you get out of it?” He just shrugged and told me that it would make me happy, and when I am happy he is happy.
Is that really it? Is he truly just selfless and wants me to be happy, no matter what that involves?
But then I wonder about how sexual some of his comments can be when he talks about me getting SRS or how he wishes I were born with a penis. While he is heteroflexible, I am the closest thing to a gay relationship that he has ever had. He has never had a sexual experience with another man beyond kissing, and I almost wonder if he really is more attracted to men than he lets on, or if he almost considers me an outlet for his latent bisexuality and desire to be with men.
I suppose either way it doesn’t hurt me. It just makes me very curious.
