As I mentioned in my introductory post, I’ve got a mental illness or too. My post prominent illnesses are my Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, both diagnosed in 2008 by a few different doctors. Anyway, I’ve never been a huge fan of taking pills to help my own problems, but when they get severe enough or crippling enough, they work as an effective crutch.
Since originally being diagnosed, my illnesses have improved significantly. I use to have numerous panic attacks every single day, I engaged in various forms of self harm, and I was very suicidal. That’s in the past, so no worries now. But even though I have gotten better, I’m still sick.
I also do a bad job at taking pills prescribed to me like I’m suppose to, but I chalk that up to not being able to handle the side-effects as well as I can handle being sad all the time. And when I get pass all the side effects, I get uncomfortable with not being sad. I mean, I’ve had clinical depression for most of my life. When you are so incredibly use to something, even if that something is bad, it just doesn’t feel right to go without it. So if I don’t stop taking meds because of unbearable side-effects, I stop because they are working too well.
Anyway: I’ve been without meds for about four or five months, but always keep what I don’t take in case I feel that I need them again (note: if a doctor thinks you should take your pills, listen to them. No matter how much research into medicine that you do, no matter how right you think you are, doctors spent years studying the crap you are questioning. It’s stupid to stop taking pills without doctor’s permission, ESPECIALLY if you are taking them for mental illnesses). I’ve been getting pretty bad anxiety attacks with virtually no triggers at all. I could be sitting in bed reading and suddenly it feels like my heart is being squeezed and there isn’t enough oxygen in the air, combined with the feeling that I have to do a speech on astrophysics in front of a hundred people. It’s stupid, annoying, and when it happens I end up locking myself in the bedroom and stay there for hours. Yeah, it gets to be a problem when you can’t socially function because you randomly become fucking terrified of everything. I remembered that I had my spare anti-depressants in the house. One bottle of Prozac locked up so nobody mistook them for narcotics and stole them, and a nearly empty bottle of Zoloft hiding in a box of tampons. I learned the hard way that you should really listen to the instructions that come with fireproof safes and NOT put medications in there, because I lost my key. So I just took a Zoloft.
The problem? The reason I stopped taking Zoloft was the side-effects. I’m currently having difficulties typing because of how shaky I am, and earlier I could have punched a hole in the wall because of my frustrating yawns. Yes, yawning is an uncommon side-effect of certain anti-depressants, and it is annoying. Thankfully the stomach ache and nausea were easy enough to deal with and passed quickly enough.
As much as I hate taking pills and as much as I hate side-effects, my anxiety (both generalized and social) are starting to impair my ability to socialize normally and find a job. I just have to pull up my big boy pants and deal with the stupid stuff that comes with medications.
