Few things hurt me more than to see beautiful girls talk about how ugly they are. I would be beating a dead horse by saying that the media is turning girls into self-loathing perfectionists, but it seems to be a true statement. You could also say that when these attractive girls complain about their looks they are seeking attention. This may be true, but when I want attention I do good things like clean the house or work out a helluva lot so I get in better shape. It feels better to hear “You look good!” when you have worked at it instead of hearing it because you were talking down to yourself.
Now, despite these feelings I have about other people expressing their poor body image, I too have problems with self-image.
A very large part of this is attributed to my being transgendered. While I know for a fact that I am not fat, the places my body fat gathers makes me incredibly self-conscious. Any fat I have goes to my chest, ass, and thighs. On any MAAB (male assigned at birth) person, that fat would go to their torso and face. If I were thinner, I would be less obviously female. So, while I fail at appearing male, I would like to at least be decent looking while presenting as female.
I like to look at my body in the mirror just so I can try and see a man, but when I fail to see masculine aspects I fall into depression or have an anxiety attack. I can see a sort of “shadow” of a man. Like, a little change here, a little muscle here, a penis there, and I could be a man!
That very thing is one of the reasons I don’t like my face. I have a very androgynous face and can pass fairly well as either a young man or a woman. It is so incredibly close to be masculine that it feels like my face is just a tease. Not only that, but I have beastly acne. Since I was ten, I have had acne. Not like, “Oh, I got a huge breakout of four zits! I’m some sort of monster!” No. Real acne. Nothing I have done over the years has made it clear up, and only recently has it been improving at all. Because of my bad skin, I have a very tough time feeling that I am good looking. People tell me that I am an attractive person, but often it feels like those people are just being kind.
So, what is the point in this post? Just so I can whine about my looks? Nah. Just sharing that I have my insecurities, but have found ways to feel good about myself anyway. Having dealt with severe clinical depression for most of my life, it is hard to feel good about anything. But in those moments when I’m feeling “okay”, I make myself create a mental log of all the things about myself that are good.
I am an awesome actor. I am a genuine and kind person. I see the beauty in others. When I feel like dressing up like a chick, I’ve got awesome tits.
For some bizarre reason, it’s socially acceptable to point out all the negative aspects about yourself. Personally, I’d rather not bring my physical flaws to everyone’s attention. But it isn’t okay to have pride in your good qualities because it makes you “arrogant”. Here’s my project for you, the reader: when you are feeling okay, make a list of at least ten things about you that are awesome. And I refuse to accept, “But there isn’t anything good about me” because that is the single biggest load of crap I have ever heard from another person. No matter who you are, there is something in you worth treasuring.
